


To Love And To Lose

by miraculousmultifan



Series: Grizz's Internal Gay Panic [1]
Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: But Only a Little Bit - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Crushes, Dreams, During Canon, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Grizz is friends with everyone, Grizz is the perfect child, Growing Up, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Pre-Canon, fluff with an angsty ending, pretty Grizz-centric but Sam has some parts too, same amount of angst as in the show, schoolboy crushes, the eternal gay struggle embodied in 2 chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-05-12 14:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19230820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraculousmultifan/pseuds/miraculousmultifan
Summary: As Grizz started to grow up, he was noticing that he liked boys a lot more than he should, and just as all young gays do with their feelings, he repressed them until he was old enough to know that in his small town, word would get around fast. His plan? To wait until he graduates and book it as far from West Ham as possible. Of course, with his luck, that wouldn't end up happening. So when one Sam Eliot decides to wedge himself into Grizz's heart, what is he supposed to do but fall harder?





	1. Growing Up

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I started this show, I fell in love with Grizz and Sam's relationship, so this fic is heavily inspired by what Grizz says in Ep 8 when they are laying in bed and Sam asks if Grizz ever noticed him. There are some themes of Fall because I feel like that's a significant period in both their lives and relationship.
> 
> I also have this headcanon that Grizz got his nickname from football because he's strong like a grizzly bear, and the Bros™ decided that everyone on the team should have nicknames. Also, Grizz's mom calls him "Gare" or "Gare-bear". That kind of sappy family stuff makes me soft, so I decided to include it here.

“Where are we going, Mom?” Gareth asked, bouncing up and down in his car seat in the back of their van.

“You’re going to play football with some of the other boys in the town. It’ll be fun,” Mrs. Visser answered. Gareth grinned. He’d never played football before, but since his mom said it would be fun, he was sure it wouldn’t be too bad.

As Gareth kicked the seat in front of him, he looked out the window and watched as they passed the bench at the bus stop, the hardware store, and eventually, the church before they pulled up to the parking lot outside of the high school. It would still be a long time before Gareth got into high school, but if they had a field that big for them to play on, he was sure that he would be happy.

Growing up, Gareth had loved everything, and I mean _everything_. Dancing, running, soccer, reading, you name it! He had never been fussy as long as he made friends and had fun. Hopefully, football would be the same.

Mrs. Visser led Gareth to the football field while holding his hand while he took in his surroundings distractedly. There were kids running on the field, parents cheering and yelling, a cat lazily strolling through the grounds, and leaves crunching beneath his feet. Gareth pulled his coat a little tighter around himself with his free hand.

“Hi, Coach Clayton. This is my son, Gareth. I signed him up for Pee Wee football last week,” Mrs. Visser greeted the football coach with her hands resting lightly on Gareth’s shoulders as he stood in front of her and crushed leaves beneath his worn-out sneakers.

“Ah, yes. I remember. Pee Wee football will start in ten minutes, so Gareth here will need to get ready. He will need to…” Grizz slowly tuned out Coach Clayton and instead focused on the slow swishing of the tree branches above them.

An orange leaf plucked itself from a branch and fluttered down until it landed at the feet of a redheaded boy about the same age as Gareth who was standing a few feet away. The boy noticed the leaf on the ground, picked it up, and turned to the lady standing next to him while making wild hand gestures. The lady smiled down at the boy before answering his hand gestures with her own. It was like a secret language, and Gareth was transfixed. He watched them in awe until he was pulled out of his stupor by his mother.

“Alright, my little Gare-bear. Let’s get you ready.”

Grizz smiled up at his mom before sneaking one last glance at the cute redheaded boy. To his surprise, the boy was looking right back at him. Both their eyes went wide as they turned away, blushing.

*******

Autumn was Sam’s favorite season. He loved the leaves, the crisp air, and the time with his family. But even though the cold air made Sam happy, he did not enjoy standing beside a football field for an hour while his brother pushed all the other boys around and called it football. The only reason Sam didn’t complain was because of the trees. They were beautiful in Autumn. The soft mix of colors while the leaves rustled together. Sam missed the sound. He could recall a distant memory of it, but since he was only four when he lost his hearing, he had been to busy trying to get attention from his parents that he didn’t appreciate the sounds of the nature around him. Sam knew he couldn’t blame his tiny toddler self, but he regretted not listening actively while he was still able.

Sam sighed as he watched a glittering leaf float down to the ground before picking it up and showing his mother excitedly. “Mom, look!” He signed, “This leaf looks like it’s sparkling! It’s a magic leaf.” Mrs. Eliot smiled fondly, a twinkle in her sad eyes much like the twinkle of the leaf as Sam waved it back and forth for emphasis.

“Yes, Sammy. It is very pretty,” She signed. Sam grinned as he watched the leaf shimmer when he played with it. It was probably the best Autumn leaf he had ever seen; it was crisp and bright, and it wasn’t sad and wet like the others. Sam grinned to himself before looking down and carefully pocketing the leaf for later.

When he looked back up, he saw a boy with brown hair who seemed to sparkle brightly just like his leaf. Sam was starstruck. He realized then was true beauty was, and as he locked eyes with the brown haired boy, he decided that Autumn was the most beautiful season of all.

*******

“Have fun, Gare-bear.”

Gareth pushed his thoughts of the redheaded boy to the side as he was introduced to his teammates. Gareth turned to Coach Clayton ad the man introduced him to the boys standing in front of them.

“This is Luke, Clark, Jason, Harry, and Campbell,” Coach Clayton said, pointing at the respective boys when he said their names. They each gave Gareth a small wave or an occasional “Hi”. Gareth just smiled at them while Coach Clayton launched straight into the rules.

“Each team has six players, and the goal of the game is to get the ball halfway across the field. There is no tackling, only intercepting. Today we are going to play three on three. The teams will be Clark, Campbell, and Jason versus Grizz, Harry, and Luke. Alright, boys. Have at it!”

Coach Clayton threw the football into the air and watched as the boys’ competitiveness kicked in. Campbell tried to push everyone aside to get to the ball as Jason weaved in and around the others to confuse them. They all had different strategies to the game, but it seemed like Campbell’s strategy was the only one that worked. Somehow, almost as if by miracle, Gareth got the ball from Campbell, and in his excitement, he snuck a peek to the redheaded boy to see if he was watching, but in doing so, he failed to notice Clark blocking his path. He turned at the last minute to come barreling at top speed towards Clark like a bear before they both topple to the ground.

“Dude, that was so cool!” Clark yelled. Gareth scrambled off from on top of Clark’s chest before holding out a hand to help Clark up. “You were like a big grizzly bear, man. Did you know that grizzly bears can run 35 miles per hour?”

“Woah, you are like a grizzly bear. Grizzly Gareth!” Jason grinned, panting.

“Grizz, Grizz, Grizz, Grizz!” Luke shouted, jumping up and down and pumping his fist into the air.

Gareth just laughed, his chest heaving as he came down from his adrenaline high.

Grizz. He could live with that.

*******

As the years went on, a couple of the boys dropped out of football. First Campbell, then Harry. As much as Grizz missed playing football with them, he knew that he would always have Luke, Jason, and Clark by his side. Some new boys joined the team, but they’re not as close to Grizz as the others are. They stayed inseparable on schoolyard and football field. Finally, Grizz made it to the high school that had once seemed like a lifetime away.

Being on the football team growing up, Grizz had always been pretty popular. Really, all the sporty guys were, but it seemed like football was somewhat of a fan favorite. He had gotten used to the popularity, but that didn't mean he wanted it. Grizz hated hearing snippets of conversations about himself in the hallways. What he wouldn’t give to be able to sit in the library and quietly appreciate the poetic devices of _Lord of the Flies_ …

That’s what he had been trying to do before some movement out of the corner of his eye had distracted him. Grizz was sitting in a secluded corner of the library which meant that he witnessed his fair share of horny teenagers with no self respect. This time, though, his mind pressed for him to make himself known. That was until he saw who was there. Sam Eliot. Becca Gelb was also there, but Grizz wasn’t as focused on her. Until she started speaking, and it took all of Grizz’s self control not to gasp out loud.

“Look, Sam. I know you’re being abused. You must be; there is no other explanation for this. Please, let me tell someone! You can stay at my house,” Becca pleaded, signing along while she spoke. Sam sighed and shook his head. He signed back to Becca, but he didn't bother speaking. He wasn't aware of the now avid listener who was trying hard to seem engrossed in William Golding’s work.

“I may not understand everything, but I understand enough to know that you can’t just brush this off! This is serious, Sam,” Becca said sternly. Sam scoffed and rolled his eyes. This time, he spoke, trying to show the weight of his words.

“You think I don’t know that? He’s my brother, Becca. He’d find some other way, and you know it. Just leave it, please,” a meaningful look and then, “Please, Becca.”

Becca sighed, defeated, “At least let me cover it up.” It was not a suggestion. Sam just shook his head and laughed lightly. That’s when Grizz noticed the very noticeable bruise on Sam’s neck as if he had been choked… How had he missed it?

Grizz tried to clear his head, and he turned back to his book, but he found that he was not able to process a single word. He waited a couple minutes until he was sure that Sam and Becca were gone before closing his book and exiting the library.


	2. West Ham

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz figures out how to balance being a nice person while also avoiding Sam at the same time.

All teenagers sixteen and over were required to go on an all-expenses-paid trip to the Great Smoky Mountains. There would be no chaperones on the bus, but several tour guides would meet up with them when they got to the hotel.

Clark, Jason, and Luke were beyond excited to get out of their cramped little town (even if it was only for a week), but Grizz didn’t share their excitement. Halfway through his sophomore year (a couple of weeks before he found out about Sam’s abusive relationship with his brother) Grizz had decided to push away his silly infatuation with Sam and pretender that it was only a fascination with ASL. Now, as he is nearing the end of his senior year, he had successfully convinced himself that he was straight with only a _normal_ amount of attraction to men.

To cement that thought to himself, Grizz made himself a promise to never get too close to any men he may be attracted to even the littlest bit. That’s why Grizz wasn’t excited; one week of being in close contact, with no breaks, with Sam Eliot.

Grizz wouldn’t consider himself a rude person, but he’s sure he seems that way to Sam. Every time Sam catches Grizz admiring him, Grizz gets scared and turns away as fast as he can. It _always_ looks rigid, and Grizz _always_ looks like a tomato for at least thirty minutes afterward. Those moments plus the fact that Grizz is a popular jock means that either Sam hates him or thinks he’s super weird.

Grizz took a seat on the end of his bed and sighed to himself before taking out his phone to text the group chat.

 

**The Boyz™**

garebear (Grizz)

superman (Clark)

tater thot (Jason)

nickelback (Luke)

 

_garebear_ _has entered the chat_

 **[9:38]** garebear **:** hey guys!

 **[9:38]** garebear **:** can we meet in front of the church before the busses get here?

 

_nickelback_ _has entered the chat_

 **[9:39]** nickelback **:** sure dude

 **[9:39]** nickelback **:** any reason why?

 **[9:40]** garebear: i just want to make sure you guys have everything you need before we leave :)

 

_garebear_ _has exited the chat_

 

Grizz took a deep breath before grabbing his backpack from the foot of his bed and heading downstairs to say his final goodbye to his family. 

“Gareth, honey, Amelia wants to say goodbye to you!” Mrs. Visser said, holding up Grizz’s little sister. She was only seven, so Grizz was more than ten years older than her, but he loved her more than anything. He always hoped that once he had flown the coop and come out, Amelia could come and stay with him.

“Amelia, my favorite sister!” Grizz cheered and picked her up from his mother’s arms.

Amelia giggled, playing with Grizz’s hair, “I’m your only sister.” 

“Which is exactly why you’re my favorite. Now, hand’s off the merchandise,” Grizz commanded playfully before spinning his sister around in the air.

“Gareth, careful with your baby sister please,” Mr. Visser said curtly.

Grizz nodded solemnly and set Amelia down. Amelia made a face as if she was going to throw a fit, but Grizz glanced down at her and threw her a quick wink.

“I want to go with you! Take me with you, please, Grizzy!” Amelia pleaded, grabbing hold of Grizz’s leg and not letting go.

“Amelia, you know this trip is only for big kids,” Grizz said sadly. Amelia’s face scrunched up again, and Grizz knew he had to fix it, and fast. “But! I promise you that I will take you out for ice cream when I get back, and we can go shopping or see a movie. How does that sound?”

Amelia cheered, “Yay, Grizzy! I can’t wait for you to get back. I love you!”

“I love you too. See you in a week!” Grizz smiled, giving his family one last hug before slinging his backpack over his shoulder and heading out the door towards the meeting place that his friends had agreed on.

*******

“Grizz! Over here, man,” Jason called from the church steps. Grizz smiled, waved, and headed over to greet his best friends.

“Alright,” Grizz clapped his hands together and rubbed them like a mad scientist. “Let me see those bags.”

Luke snorted, “Can’t you just tell us what we need, and we tell you whether we do or don’t have it?”

“I guess if you want to do it the boring way…” Grizz replied faking disappointment with a small smile on his face. “First up: water bottle?”

“Check,” Luke said giving Grizz a thumbs up.

“Yep,” Clark nodded.

“Got it,” Jason said proudly.

“Next: deodorant? That’s a big one,” Grizz said, giving Clark a pointed look.

“What, dude? I have mine, don’t worry,” Clark complained.

“You may have some, but whether or not you use it is what actually matters,” Luke smirked at Clark before pulling out his own deodorant and showing it to Grizz. Jason gave a quick nod to Grizz, and then the next item was up.

Grizz made quick work of the checklist on his phone, and they were done within five minutes. Jason pulled out a cigarette, and Grizz reminded him that Smokey Bear would be disappointed in him if he started a forest fire. They talked about the graffiti on the side of the church, and then as the boys were walking away, Grizz snuck a glance at Sam on the green by the busses. He was talking to his brother.

Oop! Campbell just flipped him off. What the hell, man? First that thing in sophomore year, and now this. What kind of jerk even talks to their siblings that way? Grizz almost entertained the thought of giving Campbell a piece of his mind, but then he saw Sam’s unfazed face. Grizz sighed. There was still so much more he had to learn about Sam Eliot.

*******

Sam didn’t want to admit it, but he was excited for this trip. He doubted any of the guides would know any ASL, but he could read lips pretty well, and Becca was going to be by his side the whole time. His parents had spent the last week before the trip worrying over Sam, and he could tell that Campbell was starting to get peeved. Sam had managed to fend off his parents for the weekend leading up to the trip; he was terrified of what would happen if Campbell finally snapped.

He needed to do something to distract himself. He needed to drown himself in mindless gossip. Oh, yeah. Becca.

 

**Private Chat**

professional lip reader (Sam)

hayley kiyokYOOO (Becca)

 

 _professional lip reader_ _has entered the chat_

 **[9:50]** professional lip reader: can you tell me about the latest gossip?

 

_hayley kiyokYOOO_ _has entered the chat_

 **[9:51]** hayley kiyokYOOO:campbell soup huh? you got it

 **[9:51]** hayley kiyokYOOO: i heard that gwen and clark are having some relationship problems

 **[9:52]** professional lip reader: and who are they?

 **[9:52]** hayley kiyokYOOO:seriously?

 **[9:53]** hayley kiyokYOOO: clark is on the football team and gwen is his popular girlfriend

 **[9:53]** professional lip reader: and this interests me how?

 **[9:53]** hayley kiyokYOOO: okay first of all, dont give me that sass. youre the one who wanted gossip

 **[9:54]** hayley kiyokYOOO: and second of all, i heard that one of the footballers is gay ‘,:)

 **[9:54]** professional lip reader: im electing to ignore that first point

 **[9:54]** professional lip reader: also no. no no no.

 **[9:54]** professional lip reader: you are not going to set me up with a football player >:((

 **[9:55]** professional lip reader: none of them are my type. ill just wait until after we graduate

 **[9:55]** hayley kiyokYOOO: :((((

 **[9:55]** professional lip reader: well campbell just left so ill talk to you on the bus

 **[9:55]** professional lip reader: bye

 

_professional lip reader_ _has exited the chat_

 

Sam sighed and put his phone in his pocket. Trip time! It’s exciting to get out of town every once in a while, and this school trip was no exception. Sam could feel in his gut that something unexpected would happen on this trip, and he couldn’t wait. He grabbed his backpack and rushed down the stairs. His parents were waiting at the door, and the made their way to the busses together.

“Okay, well, I guess this is it. One week and then Campbell and I will be back,” Sam signed to his parents, putting on a brave face.

“Yes, I’m sure you boys will have a great time,” Mrs. Eliot said with a smile.

“Make sure you have your toothbrush. Ask your brother too.” Mr. Eliot patted Sam’s shoulder and gave him a wink.

Campbell was standing off to the side when Sam walked over and asked if he brought his toothbrush. Maybe they could get along for just one week. Only one… 

Campbell made a couple of movements with his hands, pretending to sign, before flipping Sam off. Sam shrugged to himself, disinterested. Guess that’s a no.

*******

Grizz played with his hands while he waited with his friends for the busses to arrive.  It wasn’t like him to be nervous. In fact, he wasn’t nervous. He was acting completely normal. _Get a grip on yourself, Grizz! It’s just a bus ride, and it’s only a week-long trip. Nothing can happen. Just don’t pay attention to him as usual, and you’ll be perfectly fine._  

Grizz took a quiet breath, steeling himself. Students had started filing into the busses, so Clark led the boys onto the bus, followed by Jason, Luke, and finally Grizz. Clark walked directly to the back of the bus, all the while goofing off about how they were the only kids cool enough to sit in the very back. Grizz snuck a wistful glance towards where Sam was sitting with Becca at the front of the bus before following his rowdy teammates away.

Grizz sat in the window seat next to Luke who was listening to Jason and Clark get into an argument about 5-hour energy. As amusing of a debate as it was, Grizz found himself staring solemnly out the window, barely even cracking a smile.

Pretending to be straight is suffocating. What’s worse is that everywhere he looked, there were couples being happy and proud to show the world that they’re totally hetero. There was nothing wrong with them being happy, but Grizz couldn’t help but feel bitter that he could never have anything like that. Just take any of the couples in this bus right now. Gwen and Clark, Harry and Kelly, Will and Allie, Sam and Becca. God. Sam and Becca. Grizz really knew how to pick them, huh?

He just needed to close his eyes and relax. Then, maybe, he could forget about Sam for long enough to fall asleep. And then not dream about him. Absolutely no dreaming about Sam will be had. **  
**  


Grizz was walking through the purple woods, picking mushrooms. There was a soft crunch behind him, and his yellow cloak swished as he spun around. There was nothing there. Grizz took one last look around before continuing to gather mushrooms and plants and other such foragables. When he looked up, there was Sam. He smiled at Grizz and held out his hand. Grizz took it.

Then, the scene changed. They were sitting on Grizz’s bed, playing cards.

“Do you have any elevens?” Sam asked. Grizz handed him a pair of ones.

“Do you have any queens?” Grizz asked. Sam handed him his hand. Grizz held it, and they forgot about the game in favor of cuddling.

As they lay on Grizz’s bed, Grizz turned to Sam. “You are so breathtaking.”

Sam smiled softly and said, “This is all I’ve wanted for a long time.”

“You’re perfect.” Grizz nuzzled his face into Sam’s neck.

“Grizz, dude, wake up,” Sam said, pushing on Grizz’s chest. Oh. He was suddenly sitting up. Sam doesn’t call people dude…

“Grizz, c’mon man. Don’t leave me here with Clark and Jason,” Sam said again, in a very convincing Luke impression. Wait, Clark and Jason?

 

Grizz blinked the sleep out of his eyes and looked up from where his face was pressed against Luke’s neck. Oh, shit.

“Luke! Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” Grizz shook his head, his face dusted a light pink.

“Don’t worry about it, bro. It sounded like a _very_ nice dream,” Luke replied with a smirk, wiggling his eyebrows.

Grizz’s face went through every shade of pink imaginable. _Does he know? Does he hate me? Will he get me kicked off the team?_

“So, who’s the lucky girl, anyway?”

Right. Luke believes he’s straight.

“Uhh, it’s-” Grizz was cut off by a loud cackle from a couple of seats diagonal from them. From where Sam and Becca were sitting. 

Sam had just signed something that apparently was super funny, and Becca replied loudly while signing, “I just think that if he was human, he would probably be hot. Thinking Tony the Tiger would be hot as a human does not make me a furry!”

Grizz smiles. Sam must be teasing her. God, he sounds so funny.

“Ooh, Becca? I’m not judging, I just didn’t expect it. Don’t worry though, I can be your wingman.”

“You really don’t need to. I’m not gonna go for it. I’m doing just fine without hi- er. Her,” Grizz said, sparing one more sad glance at Sam.

“If you say so, buddy.” Luke sighed, “Just hit me up if you change your mind.”

Grizz knew it would never happen. He just shouldn’t bother. Sam will never love him.

**Author's Note:**

> I always listen to music while I write, so I decided to make a Grizzam playlist to listen to while I worked on this fic. If you want to listen there's a link below. Thank you so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. I've also been bouncing around some ideas for a sequel recently, so keep a lookout for that. I am a big fan of literature and literary devices as well (just like Grizz), so if you want to talk to me about the symbolism and foreshadowing I tried to squeeze into this fic, shoot me a message on my tumblr or instagram :)
> 
> My instagram: miraculousmultifan  
> My tumblr: miraculousmultifan.tumblr.com  
> Here's the link to the playlist: https://spoti.fi/2x5YAeo  
> And here's a link to the tumblr post I made explaining all the songs:


End file.
